My Pokemon Nuzlocke, Chapter 3: THICK AS A BROCK

>>continued from here.

Hey guys!  Just plugging Jessica Staub's artwork again here because she does ALL OF THE ART for this and it is AWESOME.  Gooo here and give her work upboats or whatever happens on deviantart, I don't really know how it works.

Chapter 3: Thick as a BROCK

I had been flying through the next leg of my journey ever since Gail joined Goldie, Jade and I. Route 2 was pretty tiny. When I tried to catch a Rattata I found there, Gail ended up kicking it so hard that it exploded instantly.

That's something I'm not gonna forget anytime soon.

The only way to Pewter City from there was through Viridian Forest. Honestly, I don't understand how a simple road from one city to the next is so fucking HARD TO COME BY in a world that has computers that can digitize animals into complex online libraries.

Seriously. ANYTHING would be better than crawling through a forest full of dumbshit bugcatchers and boring caterpillar look-alikes. I shit you not, one of those ten-year-olds actually said this to me:

“YO! YOU CAN'T JAM OUT IF YOU'RE A POKEMON TRAINER.”

“Yo! You can't win a Pokemon battle with only a Caterpie and a Weedle, shithead!” I said after I stomped him.

Despite my reservations, I caught one of those stupid-looking Weedle things during my travel through the forest and after some slight deliberation picked out a suitable name.

“Well, you look pretty goddamn useless,” I said, looking down at my newly-acquired Nerddick. “At least you have a stinger, though. That's pretty badass, right?'

It stared back up at me from the grassy floor with an expression that seemed to say “derp?”

Turns out, Weedles fucking suck. And its evolved form, Kakuna? They both suck. Some of the stronger Rattata around could take these poor bastards out with one paw tied behind their backs.  Though there is one upside to having a Kakuna named after a phallus.

After a particularly unscintillating battle with a Metapod—in which Nerddick only won because it accidentally knocked a branch down with a wayward Poison Sting and crushed the poor thing—I got pretty fed up of the stupid yellow Pokemon.

“WHY are you so fucking bad!? The only attack move you know is POISON STING. What else do you do? Shoot sticky white string and make yourself a bit harder? I can get my DICK to do the same thing... pretty much!” I shouted, kicking it into a tree.

SUDDENLY

Around two minutes later I made it out of Viridian Forest to the Pewter City side of Route 2 at warp speed. An incredibly pissed-off, very recently evolved Beedrill named Nerddick had chased me out before I could get a clear enough shot to put it back in its Pokeball.

As I collapsed on the ground, bent over double from the puke-worthy sprint I had just done, I looked down at Nerddick in its ball, buzzing angrily and stabbing at me ineffectively with its needle uh... arm.. things.

“I really need to... to *huff huff* not count weaker Pokemon out at first... that was fucking *huff* horrifying,” I said, lying on my back, wheezing for air.

As I sat up, I realized that in my flight of terror I had inadvertently gotten myself to Pewter City--the location of my FIRST EVER gym challenge.

Okay, well, there actually was a gym in Viridian but apparently it was closed for Rhydon cleaning or some horseshit like that so I didn't get a chance to challenge it.

Breaking out of my reverie, I let everyone out of their Pokeballs (except for Nerddick).  

I grabbed Gail affectionately in one arm, Jade in the other and threw Goldie up into the air. Goldie squawked and Gail struggled and squealed like the weird pig-monkey thing she is.

“COME ON GUYS! It's time to test our mettle in pitched combat,” I shouted to the blue sky above, ignoring Jade's (probably) derisive snort. “Let's get geared up and kick that gym leader's ASS!”

Word around town as I stocked up on a few things at the Poke-Mart was that Pewter had a rock-type Gym. I overheard some kids talking outside talking about the gym leader, too.

“Aw man, Brock is definitely my favorite gym leader in Kanto. You've heard the rumors, right?” one kid said, in hushed, reverent tones to his three pals around him.

“Wait, what? What rumors?” the smallest kid, obviously somebody's little brother, asked nervously.

“Well uh.. I dunno if I should tell you this or not, but...” the main boy said, looking around conspiratorially. “...but... they say that Brock has never, ever, ever..."

Here he paused and took a deep breath, gazing at his mystified listeners with the look of a prophet about to deliver some great truth to his people.

"...opened his eyes fully before. Like ever. Apparently he's been squinting since he was born.”

The kid's captive audience gasped collectively.

“Oh man, that's so cool!”

“Wow, holy crap! I bet he can just sorta... transmit his thoughts to his Pokemon, so he doesn't even need to see!”

“Guys... I think I need to go change my pants now...”

I shook my head as I walked away from the circus side-show. Kids in Kanto REALLY need to get out more. I don't know if it's the residual lead-based paint around here from by-gone eras or what, but they're fucking weird.

“Honestly, though, this Brock guy sounds like a chump,” I said to Jade, as she trundled beside me. She looked up at me nervously.

“Hey, hey, hey, I'm not gonna let anything happen to you -- or any of our other friends!”

I smiled at her.

“I've had you for most of my life, and for most of our combined lives we haven't done shit. I think it's time we show everybody that we're special. That we're capable of awesome stuff, even more so than uh... ANYBODY who's ever existed!” I finished lamely.

She still looked nervous, but I shook my head and kept my presumptive grin up as we walked.

“Oh, by the way... WE'RE HE-ERE.” I shouted abruptly as I kicked the door to Pewter's gym hall open.

Sunlight flooded in. There were a few dorky-looking kids milling around, and a huge stone arena in the middle of the building--still shrouded in darkness.

One of the kids ran up to me and eagerly started what seemed like a canned one-liner that he practiced away in the dark, boring recesses of the gym when no challengers were around.

“HEY, you're pretty hot... but not as hot as Brock!”

I scrutinized him.

“You uh... you hitting on me bro?”

“No way man! Hey, let's fight!”

I kicked his Geodudes' asses with a few well-placed vine whips from Jade—the same thing with the next kid who babbled about light-years or some shit. I don't know, I was kind of seeing red because of how easily we were destroying them.

Before I knew it, I was in the middle of that big stone arena, with Gail and Jade at my side. I couldn't use Nerddick or Goldie--they're weak to rock-type attacks. Bugs are squashed by rocks, and birds uh.. don't like rocks, right?

It honestly never made sense to me.

Lights flashed on and Brock stepped into the circle.

“I'll be damned,” I thought to myself (as quietly as possible, I didn't know if I believed that whole “mind link” bullshit or not but I wasn't taking any chances). “He really DOESN'T open his eyes.”

“Welcome, traveler.” His voice echoed through the arena in a pretty epic way. “It is time to prove your worth against my rock-hard defenses.”

“...are you coming onto me?”

“What?”

I responded by shouting “GO, GAIL!” and tossing her out into the arena. Brock responded with a Geodude of his own.

“GAIL! Chop him down to size!” Geodude went down with one Karate Chop.

 “Yeah, pebble-ized!”

I cringed after that last one. That was fucking stupid. I think Brock was giving me his best “What the fuck?” look. My one-liners are gonna need some work.

“Alright, I can see you have some skill...” he said grudgingly. “But how about this... GO ONIX!”

In a flash this HUGE fucking snake made of boulders was towering over Gail.

“So uh.. That's an Onix?” I said with a tinge of nerve in my voice. I checked my Pokedex -- huh, just another big stone thing.  Gail leaped up onto the giant Pokemon's without even waiting for my command.  She knew what to do.

“Gail... GAIL KICK IT!”

The Onix exploded like a poorly-constructed shoji screen before a hurricane, scattering its rocky body across the arena. There was a silence as dust settled across the rocky arena from the rock Pokemon's concussive end.

The little Mankey was happily shaking the chalky substance from her fur after neatly landing on all fours on the ground. I picked her up.

“Gail, you're a maniac. Is this... really gonna be that easy?” I said with a kind of wonderment, still shocked by my quick victory.  My first gym victory.  Ever.  Not quite exactly as I had imagined it as a kid, but still.  I couldn't believe it.

Brock gaped at me and at his fallen giant snake thing as I walked over to shake his hand.

“Badge, please!” I said brightly, Gail hopping on top of my shoulders happily as she punched the air.

---

Progress thus far: 

Badges:

BOULDER BADGE GET.

Pokemon:

Jade, level 13 Bulbasaur.

Goldie, level 12 SHINY Pidgey.

Gail, level 14 Mankey.

Nerddick, level 10 Beedrill

Graveyard:

None.

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Hope everybody enjoyed this week's post as much as I did!  And thank you to JESSICA STAUB once again for being awesome and making beautiful Pokeymans art for me.  

Tune in the next week (or so) for MEMORIES, a kid who really likes SHORTS and some CAVES.  Sound like fun?  Don't miss it!